I had family in town this week and was having dinner with them during the Vice Presidential debate so I couldn’t watch the event live. But! I have a DVR. So I recorded it and sat down to watch it this afternoon. What follows are all of the things I would have tweeted if I had live-tweeted it…but without those pesky 140 character limits.
Mike Pence always looks like he’s being forced to smile for a school picture.
Holy Moderator Eyelashes, Batman!
Mike Pence has already done the “this is stupid/you’re such a dumbass” head tilt/seat shift thing more than a dozen times and Tim Kaine hasn’t finished with his opening remarks.
Tim Kaine, is a note taker! I don’t know why this makes me happy but it does!
Fantastic question dodge there, Mr. Kaine.
Oh hey, here’s that whole “you would know about an insult driven campaign” thing.
Okay, I see why people were down on Kaine at the beginning of the debate. Shut up, dude!
Interrupt, interrupt, now they’re just taking over each other.
“When Hillary became SoS, do you know that Obama was alive?” first genuine LOL of the event.
“Iraq is overrun by ISIS because Hillary Clinton, failed to negotiate…” Pence blaming Hillary Clinton for GWB’s decision.
Jeez, Tim Kaine does “angry Dad face” REALLY well.
Tim Kaine so totally wants to punch Mike Pence in the face right now.
“Even Bill Clinton calls Obamacare a crazy plan!” Well…..that’s not *entirely* true…
Pence has a point that you need to grow the economy to better deal w/debt but no, Trump’s plan won’t do that. Unless “economy” is code for “Trump’s pockets.”
Timmy, enough with the “you’re hired” vs “you’re fired” POTUS. That’s HS Marketing 101 level stuff.
I like anybody who can just drop the word “bullwark” into a sentence like it’s something we all say everyday.
Gov Pence actually chuckling in Kaine’s face. Gross, dude.
I will say this, Gov Pence is doing a better job of talking to the people watching. He’s actually acknowledging us. So far, Tim Kaine not so much.
“You can roll out the numbers but people know different.” NUMBERS ARE NOT SUBJECTIVE BUTTHEAD.
“He’s used the tax code brilliantly” “How do you know that?” “Because he built a business” “But how do you know??” This is what EVERYBODY WANTS TO KNOW.
Pence “he hasn’t broken his promise.” Technically true. Until November 8, he still has time to say he will release his returns before the election.
“Gentlemen, the people at home can’t understand either one of you.” Wow, ain’t that the truth. Good job, Moderator.
“We never said that” “But you have a voting record, Governor! I can’t believe you won’t defend your own voting record.” BOOM.
Oh no. Law enforcement/Race Relations. This is going to be a trainwreck.
“At the risk of agreeing with you,” says Gov Pence. THIS IS THE PROBLEM. AGREEING SHOULDN’T BE A BAD THING. …unless it’s for bad stuff, then cut that crap out.
Is..is he….is Gov Pence blaming Black Lives Matter for the tense relationship between police and the communities they serve?
Gov Pence proving he doesn’t understand that “implicit bias” is demeaning.
Two white guys should NOT be talking about how people of color should feel.
Tim Kaine keeps pointing out that Mike Pence isn’t defending Trump’s positions. This is smart.
“Donald Trump has a plan that he laid out in Arizona,” says Pence. Um, no? Plans have details, sir. “I’m gonna do all the things” is not a plan.
Pence tries to blame Tim Kaine for being insulting after Tim Kaine quoted Trump. Oh lord.
Now Pence is saying that all of the terrible things Trump has said don’t come close to being as bad as the “basket of deplorables” comment. This says more about his world view than he thinks it does.
Mike Pence has mastered the disappointed “can you believe this” smug head shake.
After we secure the border…in the air? Um. What?
Moderator: “How would you get the people here illegally out?” Pence delivers the midwest polite version of “we’re going to get them out because we will.”
Wow, not a single stumble over the name of ISIS’s head bad dude. That was impressive, Senator Kaine.
A Mt. Rushmore of dictators.
Mike Pence “I can defend….er, um, I, uh, I can make clear to the American People.” Iiiiiiiiiiiinteresting stumble there, Governor.
ISIS was not “conjured up out of the desert” beause Secretary Clinton didn’t throw GWB’s policy out the window, Governor.
So sick of this ISIS is Hillary’s fault BS.
Mike Pence is doing a wonderful job of making Donald Trump’s bizarro scary ass plans sound like bedtime stories.
Uh, Gov Pence? Syrian refugees weren’t responsible for Paris. Not all brown people are the same.
UGH STOP CALLING IT CYBER.
Oof, Moderator, you actually *do* have to give both sides time to respond to the question. This is ONE time I’ll say Gov Pence was right to interrupt you.
…ugh. He’s using it to bring up emails.
Noooooooooo Sen Kaine, don’t get sucked into the eeeeeeeeeeeeemaiiiiiiiiilllls
Moderator has lost control. “GENTLEMEN PLEASE,” does not bode well for her ability to keep the rest of this thing on track.
Safe zones….. remember when we set those up for the Native Americans? Any time you talk about marching victims somewhere you know you’re on the wrong side of the issue.
“If you don’t know the difference between dictatorship and leadership you need to go back to a 5th grade citizenship class.”
Ooooh, Senator Kaine is using Trump’s avoidance of taxes to show that he doesn’t support the military. SMART. I hope this catches on.
Uh, maybe don’t use a Russian proverb to prove that you don’t like Russia? Just a thought there, Gov Pence.
“Weak and feckless leadership that Hillary Clinton created….” Bite me, Gov Pence.
And we’ve reached the pot-shot part of the debate. That means this is almost over, right?
“You did this,” “No?” “Yeah you did.”
Pssst, Senator Kaine, it’s NORTH Korea. Not South. NORTH.
Gov Pence’s face is all sorts of “please stop using facts. Please I’m begging you. I only know how to spin by laughing. Please stop.”
Governor Pence “Most of what you said is completely false. Here’s the difference between what you said and reality.” Something something Princess Bride joke.
IT WASN’T A RANSOM PAYMENT.
Wait….wait…. “When we say Russia is strong, we don’t mean Russia is strong, we mean America is weak!” What?
As much as I love the guy, Senator Kaine should never play poker.
Building new islands? China is Building? New? Islands? Admittedly I’m not super up to date on my China knowledge but, Building? Really?
Gov Pence is saying that they’ll keep North Korea’s nuclear capabilities from growing by…complaining about the Clinton Foundation. There aren’t enough confused head tilt gifs on the whole internet.
This Moderator is practically begging these guys to stay on topic.
Gov Pence: The Trump Foundation is fine because Hillary Clinton used email!
Social issues. Here we go. Social issues mean everything explodes and we’re all done, right?
Senator Kaine making a point to talk about how important it is to separate personal faith from public service. So glad he’s making this point. It’s an important one that isn’t made enough.
Gov Pence, on the other hand, fully admits that he uses his personal faith to inform his public policy and sees no problem with that.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTION.
UGH, Pence flat out lying on “we’d never punish a woman for making a reproductive choice.”
Kaine: “Why don’t you trust women to make this choice for themselves?” THIS. ALWAYS THIS.
Pence: “Because a society is judged by how it serves its most vulnerable.” Interesting how a baby stops being seen as vulnerable once its born.
Final statements! Thank you lord, it’s final statements time! It’s almost over! TALK FASTER MIKE PENCE SO I DON’T HAVE TO WATCH YOU ANYMORE
IT’S DONE! FINALLY! I SURVIVED!
Verdict: I’m going to crib the other night’s Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell: if you don’t care about the truth and only care about tone and demeanor then Governor Pence totally won. But if you care about substance and truth, Senator Kaine crushed it.
AAAAAAA I didn’t turn off the recording in time and just heard Chris Matthews say “erogenous zones.”